It is just amazing how it works. Writing is healing, growing and becoming stronger than ever.
Have you experienced this as well? Or do you rather believe that this is not possible, or it doesn’t work with anybody? Let me explain it to you.
Without the Corona time, I wouldn’t have learnt that much. This time pushed me to step out of my comfort zone and to do a daily podcast during more than 30 days.
The podcast with the title of my upcoming book “Living without fear” gave me the possibility to think about my life and how I’ve learnt to overcome fear and a huge amount of self-doubts.
For example, I suddenly realized why it has always been difficult for me to be in groups and feel comfortable. As I highly sensitive person, I would feel all the energy around me from the other people. Normally in a group, there are very different energies around, which would not match with each other.
I would notice this and be torn apart, because I like harmony. I would be overwhelmed to feel all these different sensations and not being able to manage them and bringing them together.
I always felt how some people were excited to be in this group and how others were bored or annoyed to be there. I was in between, and I was unable to connect with my own feelings. I was too busy with the feelings of all the others.
It has always been a nightmare to be in a group. In my twenties, I unconsciously started solving the challenge by identifying the negative thinking people and building a smaller group with them and by stepping out of the whole group.
This way, I surrounded myself by like-minded people and then, it was rather easy to build an anti-group to the big group, and by being against the big group, by feeling better than the others, I had a reason to be there.
This always worked well – for many, many years, until the moment I realized that I didn’t want to be anymore a negative thinking person, criticizing others and therefor feeling better than the others. This latter thing I luckily learnt was a false believe, because I realized as well that the negative thinking always led me to criticize myself at the end, and this meant a supplementary amount of suffering as well.
Nowadays, it isn’t easy for me to be in a group, but I know the reason and I always try to concentrate on myself as best as I can. For a certain amount of time, for a few hours, this works for me, but for half a day and more, either it makes me feel exhausted or I tend to get into a nervous state of mind, where I start talking and interacting with people, but being aware that I try to please others and that I’m not myself anymore.
Does this resonate with you?
When I was writing and speaking my podcast’s episode with the title “The Others”, I became aware of those patterns and I also realized why I got them.
Do you want to hear, how I phrased it?
“Some time ago, I noticed that I am like a musical instrument that always tries to get tuned to the right sound of the others. Whenever I went to a meeting or to an event, I turned on all my sensors to catch the mood or the vibrations of the other people in the room or just sitting beside me and I completely forgot myself. I always felt great when I met like-minded people and I could share my thoughts and beliefs.
When I met people, who were rather different than me, who showed me that they wouldn’t appreciate me being like I was, I suffered a lot.
Even when I seemed rather certain about myself, the presence of those kind of people got me in a state of mind with a lot of self-doubts in no time.
I always asked myself how this could happen in such a short time. I realized that already as a child I needed to focus on my parents and that was the reason why I couldn’t learn to focus on myself.
It took me so long to see how it helps so much when I turn on all my sensors onto myself first. Then, I feel what I need right at the moment. Perhaps, I need to have a few minutes or even only a few seconds just on my own without speaking, totally concentrating on myself.
After this, I may decide to reach out to the others around me and offer them my awareness.”
How do you cope with these kinds of situations?
Do you write down your thoughts to get a clearer mind?
Do you have a journal which you used a long time ago and which sleeps in a cupboard somewhere?
How about taking it out and starting to write again?
Or how about buying an empty book and filling it with your thoughts?
If If you like to listen to the episode “The Others” I was mentioning before or to another one of my almost 40 episodes, go to the website www.anchor.fm/esther-buerki or download the free App Anchor in the App Store, Google Play or listen on Spotify or click here: